I want to thank everyone for all their words of support, advice and encouragement. I am still working my way through the comments and replying to them all but I just wanted to say thank you so much, your words have really, really helped. Sometimes just admitting you’re in the midst of a crisis is enough to start turning things around and I think this has been the case in this instance.
I am still extremely tired; I’ve not yet had the confidence to begin writing again - although you could say that returning to writing my blog is doing just that; and the to do list is more like a to do encyclopedia. But - I can feel a change in my mood. Yesterday I wrote a long but prioritised list and managed to cross off a large proportion of the things on it and have started to try and make sense of the bigger picture. I think one of our problems since moving to the farm has been a need to be in fire fighting mode at all times. However, waking up each day and responding to what is thrown at us is probably not the best way to live and certainly brings about a feeling of impending chaos and panic at every turn. Sometimes we have no choice. Animals need care and take priority. The weather also plays an enormous part in our lives, unlike before. But there has to be some structure in our lives otherwise things just aren’t going to get done. I also believe that the chaos and uncertainty is having an impact on my mental state and inner confidence.
And so, lists, goals, priorities, REALISTIC targets, relaxation time, moments to smell the roses, less self-critiquing - all these things and more are part of my plan for getting me back into some sort of mental shape. I’m going to give myself small writing challenges over the next week or two to get me back in the groove and get rid of some of the ‘pending’ jobs that keep hanging over my head like the proverbial albatross and that will hopefully make me feel like I am getting back on track.
A couple of friends have suggested therapy to help me with my negativity, my never-ending propensity to criticise, compare and pull apart everything that I do. This is something I’m very keen to explore further. I would like to get out of this undulating cycle of feeling up, then feeling down, then having to build myself back up again. Its tiring. It affects my creativity. That energy could be much better spent elsewhere. I have felt comforted by so many of you expressing similar feelings - I feel less of a freak and therefore more prepared to talk these things through with a professional. If I learn how to spot the signs I can hopefully stop it before it gets into full flow? It might not be an easy journey and I think its going to take me some considerable time to unlearn the habits and responses I’ve developed over the years, but I’m always up for learning something new and if 2016 is the year I manage to face and tackle my demons then its going to be a good year and a brighter future.
And yes, one of the jobs on the list is to get the jumper pattern in the picture above released as a single pattern!!
for now,
Susan xx
