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Saturday, June 09, 2007

You have good days and then you have s*** days

I don't know whether I feel right about airing this on my blog but I feel a need to get it out of me. I had really bad news this morning - that my dad has prostrate cancer. He already has a condition called cardiomyopathy that has killed off 80% of his heart, and now this. I guess i'm angry with the gods, with fate, with the turn of the cards, whatever it is and I don't know where to put it all.

I had struggled at my wedding when someone had called him a lovely OLD man. It completely shocked me that other people see him that way. And now, this. I'm surprised how badly I'm handling this. I'm normally the one who takes it all on the chin and gets on with things. Today I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I would never let dad know thats how I feel. He's being fantastically positive as he always is. He was given 2 years to live 10 years ago so he's not one to take things lying down. I just don't want anything to happen to him.

I don't really know how to finish this posting and I'm so sorry if I've been depressing. I will be back tomorrow with a positive blog.

Frank Sinatra said 'I've been up and down and over and out, but I know one thing; each time I find myself flat on my face I pick myself up and get back in the race. That's Life.'

for now
Ruby xxx

6 comments :

dawn said...

I don't know you or your dad at all - but just wanted to say how sorry I am and that I will be thinking of you. And it is Ok for you to feel very upset and need to take time out to cry and rant about how unfair it is.

Allegra said...

So, So sorry to hear about your father. It sounds like your father is a strong man, I am sure he will be a fighter. It's okay for you to curl up and cry, you're human. We go through spurts of being strong and being human--feeling the gamut on all emotions.
Best Wishes.

Angela said...

It's okay to feel the way you do. Don't beat yourself up about being sad or scared or angry. You are human, and this is someone you love very much. My thoughts are with you.

Philippa said...

Sometimes when it's your parents it's tougher than anything. Hang in there. Your dad sounds like a lovely man and I hope above all that you two are able to enjoy your time together.
Best wishes.

Susie Hewer said...

Dear Ruby, I was very sorry to hear about your dad's condition. My friend was diagnosed with prostrate cancer too and his was treated successfully so please don't give up hope. It's only natural to feel sad/mad/confused. Your dad sounds like a very positive man and I wish him well in this battle. Love and hugs, Susie xxx

Nic said...

Hi Ruby, I haven't dropped by your blog for a while and I've just been catching up. About the same time last year, my Dad was also diagnosed, although I had had an inkling from the beginning of the year since he had been in a lot of discomfort and had had a cathater fitted for most of the spring.
I too struggled mentally. My Dad is now 73 and to my mind he is no different from when he played wild and wacky games with me 30 years ago, but I have had to cope with accepting that he is old (even if he refuses to behave that way). He also has complications since he has a pacemaker and type 2 diabetes.

Prostate cancer is notoriously slow growing but my Dad being my Dad, he had to have a fast growing one, just to be awkward! However, after the initial "drilling out" last May to ease the discomfort, which is when they took the biopsy and confirmed the diagnosis, he went on to start an immediate course of hormones followed by a 20 day course of radiotherapy. He had hardly any side effects from the radiotherapy and the homones have only resulted in his hair growing back into fine baby fuzz, much to our amusement as he has been bald since the 60s... no boobs and no PMT! When he last saw his consultant in June of this year, he said he didn't want to see dad for another 12 months. Nothing has been said for definite (I don't suppose it ever will), but the hospital is very positive about how he has responded to the treatment.

My Dad is not a great talker, but the one thing he and I did do last summer was actually confront his mortality and let each other know in words, not just actions, how we felt about each other.

I wish your Dad, and you, all the best. Nic x